Personal Short #4

I trained to do it. I trained by thinking and thinking.

If only she knew.

"Aloha, my friend

My happiness! I ask you, answer me!
I’m absolutely adequate and cheerful person. But the thing is that I’m working much, sometimes even too much and because of it I’m lack of men attention. I’m catastrophically out of time for my private life and to build my own happiness. That is why I have to use power and might of the modern life – Internet. My only desire is to find a Man, the real and desired one. But otherwise this is not an end in itself. In man I appreciate the good sense of humor and even can forbid some shortcomings if he will be able to make me laugh. Do you want me to cook for you? You are right!
My dishes will effect you! Do you want to have pretty woman nearby? You will be dazzeled by my beauty. Believe me, I am your treasure!"

I love the nightlife.

The last line says it all.



Photo by Paul Constant.

The Age of Iron and Bronze

First Phase of Sound from "Bambi's Long Journey into Night"

1. An Ode to the Nocturnal Muse / of Montreal
2. (this is) The Dream of Electric Sheep / Ming & Ping
3. Dumb Head / The Sharades
4. Out Of Teen Revisited / Hawnay Troof
5. Dipped In Vaseline / Mickey Avalon
6. the leash / Xiu Xiu
7. Feel All Right / Oblivians
8. God Has a Voice, She Speaks Through Me / CocoRosie
9. Transformer / Gnarls Barkley
10. Babystrich / Stereo Total
11. Sixteen / Iggy Pop
12. ike and tina / Jamie T
13. Beatific / Glass Candy
14. Caida Libre / Mala Rodriguez
15. Passing Me By (Hot Chip Remix) / The Pharcyde
16. Swim / Lil Mama
17. Young And Beautiful / The Raveonettes
18. pick up the pieces / Space Ballerinas
19. Get Down On The Floor / Yo Majesty
20. Practical Money Skills For Life / Oh No Ono
21. Beautiful Song / CSS
22. Forever Young / Alphaville
23. How To Hang A Warhol / Little Joy
24. Tongue Tied / Erase Errata
25. Spread Yr Legss, Release the Bats / Die Monitr Batss
26. When You're Young and in Love / The Marvelettes

Another World

The not-so-new Antony track and title of his new EP is a fantastic expression of fiction. The song comes across as a quiet, but seriously powerful spell, an incantation brought into being through the repetition of phrasing, verbal and musical and the listing of objects. The song starts gently and calmly, the fingers on the piano are sure and confident. We hear almost immediately beneath and behind the clear chords the sound of a whining feedback which runs alongside and counter to the beauty of the struck notes, an alien thing beneath the human made. He sings: "I need another place" and once the speaker decides to speak, to sing, there is no way away from his words and what they unleash. The speaker must carry it through to the end. The need for this new place (hopefully peaceful) has transformed his world and he cannot go back. The need for this safety overrides regret. He lists all the things he loved (the sea, the snow, the animals, the bees, the birds, the wind) and in naming them gives life to them briefly one more time. The words fall away and the little creatures fade. He seemingly moves forward, and again that whistling, whining wind, (the [absent] lover he was kissing "so long") rises up and sweeps his previous position away, leaving only the vanishing world and the wind and the silence all around it. I think about The Nothing in the Neverending Story. The Infinite Sadness. The song never falters. Step by step, chord by chord it advances through the fear and into something completely new and hopefully better.

As a counterpoint: "Asleep," by the Smiths and lovingly covered by Xiu Xiu. "There is another world / There is a better world / Well, there must be" The desire stated in this song is for vanishing of the self, for something more than and beyond sleep, more than waking up alone, again, day after day. The idea that the speaker is incomplete never being allowed gladness and joy and how much that makes one a faliure. The quietness of failure and what terrible solitude there is in not being able to escape failure.

Language, Pleasure and Disfiguration

"No object is in a constant relationship with pleasure (Lacan, apropos of Sade). For the writer, however, this object exists: it is not the language, it is the mother tongue. The writer is someone who plays with his mother's body (I refer to Pleynet on Lautréamont and Matisse): in order to glorify it, to embellish it, or in order to dismember it, to take it to the limit of what can be known about the body: I would go so far as to take bliss in a disfiguration of the language, and opinion will strenously object, since it opposes 'disfiguring nature.'"

"What is significance? It is meaning, insofar as it is sensually produced."

Roland Barthes, The Pleasure of the Text.

Personal Short #3

I said why don't you set the table and you said why don't you set it? I said I'm opening the wine and you said I'll do it. I'll do both things.

Personal Short #2

I found my pen in your drawer. I asked you if you had seen it and you told me no. It was in your drawer but I don't know if you knew it was there or not or even if you knew what pen I meant.

Personal Short #1

I wanted you to eat them, for the good of you. I said, they're seeds. They're just seeds. But you wouldn't do it even though it was the only way. You wouldn't do it because you found it disgusting. I didn't but you did. I said, this is the only thing separating us. You wouldn't look at me and I couldn't say anything. Everything was wrong so I left.

Notes for Liner Notes for "Age of Iron and Bronze" (Draft One)

1. At the beginning: the meditation, the invocation of the muse. An opening into the possibilities of dream, of transformation. "We won't notice when we're dead." A hint of what will come at the end, sleep falling away with the music. Hero luxuriating in self-made (god-made) world. Rough (unformed) state.

2. Upon waking, another dream. Unmoving, mechanical pulse. City life. Unflinching ("this city's not for sleeping"). The necessities of the human form. "Actions turn to feelings."

3. Introduction of Hero. Crude synths, squalling voice. Foolishness. Reveling in.

4. State of youth. "Live for no Rules." Idea that youth is temporary, but sustainable.

5. Entry into Perversion. (Trial by Fag.) Recounting of "harder, cruder times." The Picaresque. Emergence of "greater, more potent" masculinity. The Swagger of Youth. Trial of Arrogance. (Note the buried "Genius of Love" sample.

6. Trial of Abjection. Temptation into and of death. "Born to suffer, born only to die." "A dog will rut its way into Harm, when let off the Leash."

7. The plea for the Gods' assistance. Lowest of the low. The Plea for and granting of strength. Urgency and Wildness. Hips moving. Ecstatic ritual of dancing and handclapping.

8. Trial of God's voice. Chiming of bells. Hero becomes the vessel and the Hammer. Awakening from dream. "My Heart is pounding, waiting for--"

9. Awakening and Transformation. The Hero Becomes the Hero. "No telling who I will have to be again."

10. The Hero becomes the Independent Self. "She would step into their car." Awareness of power.

11. Sweet Sixteen. "And Leather Boots."

12. "Love it when they live it." "Run, run sonny." Experience.

13. "I'm only 17, but my love is for real."

14. The 2nd Vision. Red Pill or Blue Pill? A choice, or perhaps just a way of seeing. "Poison or Remedy?" "Hey DJ, bring that back!" Dancing is Dangerous.

15. Free Fall. "Me vendo cara." Suggestions of Booty Bass, ecstatic dance.

16. What one was at an early state. The re-imagining of one's history. Youth remembers his youth.

17. Hero is wistful at her "mark" setting her apart from others. The understanding that those who may travel worlds cannot safely bring others with them. (See also: the Little Mermaid, attempts to study deep-sea creatures, "Lipgloss")

18. Trial by Beauty.

19. "At the Disco trying to feel better." "and all the animals are fighting over who's gonna get the last. . ." "he gave her a handful of love" (anna oxygen) Forgetting self through dancing. [See: Dancing is Dangerous.]

20. Ditto. But regaining control. Triumph and conquer (through Dancing.)

21. Return to the city. "Understand the time has come to say goodbye."

22. Perhaps: I don't want to perish like a fading Horse. (Trial by Ponies.)

23. The Origins of the Bambi Party. Desire for and adoration of the state of being twitterpated. Springtime. Love in the air, state of youth, the young in the sunlight being young.

Hours of Work

For the Upcoming Bambi XX-Travaganza I am asking that attendees bring a small plate or large platter of goodies, either sweet or savory. Hopefully these will be finger ready, one bite bitlets. Creativity encouraged! Sweet or Savory little cocktail nibbly preciousness. Sign up in the comments what yr. bringing so there won't be overlap. I will make some things also, just not quite sure what yet.

XOXO
Bambs.

A to B

I try to keep personal effects or mopings off the blog-- it just seems like airing dirty laundry. Maybe this isn't true that I do this, but I like to think that I do, that these trivialities are not interesting to anyone except myself. But this is not triviality.

I may or may not have lost one 14th of my music library through an annoying iTunes guerilla attack. Specifically all music from A-B. That includes but is not limited to: All Antony, Bjork, Built to Spill, Beyoncé, Bahamadia, Art Brut, Bonde do Role, ABBA, Aretha Franklin, Anna Oxygen, Bronksi Beat. Also, any and all collaborations between Bjork and Antony. It may or not have been through my own dull headedness, but I think not.

Watch for me in a black armband, and with ashes in my hair in addition to the already scarred forehead. I feel numb. I need (myth of) closure.

"Living Solutions"

It says "Living Solutions" across the top and this is maybe the title of the manual M. B. gave me last night. (If manuals have titles.) Appropriately, I opened it to this phrase:



CAUTION: Keep fingers away from the Needle (25). The Needle (25) will pierce your skin if your finger comes in contact with it.

Self Portraits on a NYC median, 2007. (Narcissism)

On every occasion I'm ready for a funeral, Pt. II.

(Resurrection)

Well, I am glad I didn't full page obituary my fave blue jeans, cuz they fit again.

All play and no work and too much Spanish beer make Bambi gordito.

That is all.

Bambi's Vision Quest (first draft)

trial by water
trial by spirits
trial by fire
trial by pony
trial by baby
trial by blood
trial by (phil)spector
trial by headlight
trial by explosion
trial by trucker
trial by zombie
trial by vampire
trial by stinging
trial by time passing
trial by death
trial by car
trial by dark, dark night
trial by alcohol
trial by epic (battle of visions)

trial by London
trial by war
trial by poison
trial by eternal space
trial by cover
trial by shame
trial by solitude
trial by booty bass
trial by fag
trial by evil

trial by mashup
trial by vaseline
trial by bat
trial by letters
trial by "gun"
trial by god
trial by young girl
trial by language
trial by electricity
trial by sex
trial by beauty

Fundamental Texts.

From The Escoffier Cook Book:

"362- Melon with Port, Marsala, or Sherry

Select a cantaloup or other melon and let it be just ripe. Make a round incision about the stem end, three inches in diameter; withdraw the plug cut, and through the hole remove all the pips with a silver spoon.

Now pour one-half pint of best Port, Marsala, or Sherry into the melon, replace the plug and keep the melon iced for two or three hours. Do not cut the melon in slices when serving it. It should be taken to the table, whole, and then the plug is withdrawn and the fruit is cut into shell-like slices with a silver spoon, and served with a little of the accompanying wine upon iced plates."

I ran across this a month or so ago and it has stuck in my head. There is something so French in this recipe. Firstly, Escoffier is the ultimate compiler and ultimate aesthete for what we think of now as classic French food. All culinary students nowadays know his name (even if they don't know much about him) and equate it with rightness, as law. His recipes are quite exact, but also (and maybe this is translation and difference in what our foodstuffs are now and our knowledge of our own produce), somehow vague.

There is something in this description that approaches scripts for modern performance art pieces. Everything must be just so (according to the aesthetic of the actor/artist/gourmand) and it is expected that the audience be appreciative of the meaning and carefully planned intention of the action. If nothing else, one appreciates the style, the conviction, the grace or the passion with which the action is acted out. Or should. Instructions are just precise to sound assured, but vague enough to feel as though that the reader needs a guide, someone more qualified to initiate and lead the ritual that should not really be meddled with.

Note that one cannot use anything but a silver spoon to remove the pips from the melon and that it must be just ripe, but not overly so. The plates must be iced. Presumably one would know what shell-like slices cut and removed through a three inch incision would be quite precisely, but to the modern reader it sounds like some mysterious and illicit surgery, but for a fruit. One that you enjoy upon an iced plate, with the accompanying wine. (How does one deal with the remaining highest quality wine upon the iced plate, use a tiny silver spoon? pick it up and lap at it like a kitten? My guess is no and no. But where did and should it go?? I find this to be serious suspense in the text. There are many questions like this in the recipe that [seriously] add a level of high, anxious drama for me.)


Another passage, just above:

"361--ENGLISH MELONS

Their shape is round, their peel is greenish yellow, thin and smooth, and their flesh, which is light green and sweet and delicate, more nearly resembles the transparency of the water-melon flesh than that of the cantloup in flavor."

I love this because it shows language's real limitations in pure description. There is only akin to. There is only comparison, spaces between words to conjecture at what a thing is and still one can only guess at the described object. The object is foreign and will always remain so in the eye and mind of the reader (modern and not modern). It only exists in the imagination. The pipe is not a pipe.

The World Sent Me 3 Things to Make Me Feel At Ease. (Don't Let Me Die At All.)

There must be something ordering these things this way.

Hi, Joachim

I am writing to you this letter to say that I want very much to meet
you in real life and to get acquinted with you.
But it is impossible at present day that is why let's start from romantic
letters to each other.
I do this first step because i don't want to miss a chance to loose
acquintance with such man like you.
Tell me, please, what is this life without love? it is dull, unbearable and
useless. You live, but you don't know why; you work, but don't know the
sense of it; you come at home, but you don't feel comfort and cold bed
makes you feel disgust... do you have the same unpleasant feelings and
need love in your life as I need?
The whole life is wating for me and you in future. But it is died if you are
alone and you can't share a new day with beloved person. Do you agree
with me?
If I don't give love, if I can't share passion and romantic feelings with
beloved, I feel that I am dying every moment, every hour, every day.

Don't let me die at all, write me, please, and just say 'hello, a stranger
beauty from Ukraine! yes, i want to get acquinted with you too!" and after
it, let me do the next step and you will see that I will change your life
and wave you in the cradle of my love.
I close this letter now, but i am waiting for your reply, Dear Stranger whom
I liked and I hope that you will like me too

Kisses
July P

I can't be the only one finding these clues to joy and hope and wonder . . .right? right?

PRSHS

So, soon Bambi Party VI will be in effect. Early November. I apologize for the delay.

"A Bambi's Long Journey into Night"

Think: The Odyssey, The Warriors, Up all Nite, Zombie Attack, Epic Vision Quest, Beastmaster, Fall of Jericho, Battle Royale, Marathon, through the water on a burning raft, Trucker's Bible, Woman melting a block of ice while sitting on it, eat a kilo of honey, drink a litre of wine, Xiu Xiu and Anna Oxygen (as always), Grace Jones and Andy Warhol (as always), also early Roman Polanski, disappearing doors, the appearance of an urn on the grounds

Earlier themes include (for newcomers): Do the Bambi, Re-do the Bambi (a juicyfruit monochrome ball), Bambi vs. Barbie, Bambi Factory, Bambi are Forever (forever until U die)

As always, cocktail attire is required, cab fare is encouraged.

More to come.

I am the DJ I am what I play / Last nite the DJ saved my life

Maybe you knew and maybe not (who is this you out there anyway? my 'loyal' readers or myself?) but I am designing the music at my new work place, Poppy.

The other night I was out at the bar and 'Underwear' (by Pulp) was playing on the sound system. One of the bartenders came up to me and told me that two gals screamed when it came on and proclaimed it to be their favorite song (Pulp fans tend to be ferociously loyal). This pleased me to no end. Then 'Underwear' came on (by the Magnetic Fields) and I remembered that I was listening to the Poppy playlist in reverse alphabetical order which is one of my favored ways of organizing a playlist. I like the imperiousness of chance rubbing up against a systematized organization method. It appeals to my chaotic tendencies and the aesthetics of violence or the potential in violence, the unexpected thing and the fallout around it, the reactions.

In essence, here I was, living the dream-- or my dream anyways-- of broadcasting a set of songs to an audience. And particularly in a restaurant where the music has a power to manipulate and shape an experience, much like the lighting, design of the room, service and food do. The sonic landscape helps create the architecture of the space. This speaks to the reasons that I love the songs in the title of this post so much. It is the DJ and somehow there is something unnameable that is being transmitted-- that needs to be transmitted. There is something in that message that has the power to potenitaly transform the listener. If the listener is open to it. I suppose I could add 'Musique Automatique' by Stereo Total to the mix.



* * *

I had always intended to post about this woman who I discovered online during the long, cold Spanish winter. She has a channel on YouTube called artemisbell (search for it). I became fascinated with her and this channel which I started reading as new art. She is the object being transformed through music. Who knows what she is like in life (I love her real enthusiasm, genuine good spirit and optimism in the comments) but she appears through her work, the constant videos (same format each time, different, but repeating outfits, variations on dance moves) as almost crazed, compelled. Her performance mesmerizes. She often appears very close to the camera at the beginning of the video, dripping with sweat, before moving back to ease into the beginning of the song, picking up speed as the song does, often smiling, often mouthing the lyrics. These songs and words mean something to her that has brought her through pain, or loneliness (she is always alone in the videos-- it is as though no one in the world exists and only this room exists and there are these songs playing over a radio that she remembers from before, or is hearing for the first time, but somehow the DJ knows that she should hear them) and into health and joy. The amazing response that she gets in the comments is pretty impressive for a site like youtube, which are usually spiteful, mean, or trying to drum up a OMFGROFLMAO!! or whatever. It's sort of like the ultimate positive scene that disco or techno or whatever dance club genre can generate. But here it is in a serial form, self-contained and generated. Exhibitionistic, but driven, like much perfomance art or video art.



* * *

Maybe you all are like my listeners and this is my radio program, tinny and infrequent, in between two ticks on the AM dial. I have been thinking recently about Lynne Thigpen's role in "The Warriors" (You may know her as the chief on the kid gameshow "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?") and how the viewer saw nothing of her ever except her lips but how the listeners held on to her every word. I always thought it was mysterious how she knew exactly where the Warriors were and how every person (or more exactly gang member) in NYC listened to her and how they did what she said. It gave the impression that she was really pulling the strings, like a god. (Now I am reminded of the gods in "Clash of the Titans," another movie that I loved as a child, and the pieces they pushed around their playing board and how similar the psychic roles each of these characters play in each movie ultimately). Or the concept of asking for a dedication and waiting and waiting to get through to the DJ and then waiting and waiting to hear the song on the radio and how that gives you a little stake in it.